A few months ago, I received an email from someone who works in an online financial assistance. Apparently, she was brewing this project wherein all I have to do was blog about my personal bucket list and recommend checking them off. She offered this post inspiration where I can hopefully incorporate ideas on how to manage finances while trying to accomplish “the bucket list”.
I was ecstatic to read the email from her and was ready to commit. But there was one problem which was why I wasn’t able to do it. I don’t have a bucket list.
I kid you not. You need not remind me that it was a terrible excuse.
Having a bucket list and checking them off became a fad to us millenials. Whenever a friend of mine posted something he/she did for the very first time and captioning it with something like :
- Zip-lining – check!
- Go to Hong Kong Disneyland – check!
- Collect the whole Harry Potter Series books (Hardbound) – check!
- Buy an Iphone 6s – check!
I always ask or tell myself, “How come I don’t get to do/buy that?”, “Lucky him/her”, “Bunch of lucky silver-spooned lots” and just be bitter about it.
Maybe I’m just being a hypocrite and don’t want to include myself with those youngsters and do have a bucket list in mind and not an actual list.
Yeah. Maybe that’s what I am.
I have a very cluttered mind. And having no physical list in hand, I wasn’t able to dig up my personal list buried in the deepest part of my mind which was long forgotten and only remembered when I was able to achieve something from that list.
So with too much excitement and nervousness, I wasn’t able to visualize the list and the post that I was expected to produce didn’t materialize. I went blank.
I wasn’t able to recall my list and I was finding more ways than one on how to delay the blog post.
These where the things that were running on my mind:
- Wait, do I have a list to begin with?
- What if my list was what readers were expecting?
- What if they think that the post itself lacks substance?
- How do I align it with the financial aspects of #adulting and being responsible as what the sender of the email was expecting?
- Will it be accepted? I’m having a hard time accepting rejection.
Too many question, too many excuses and in the end, I wasn’t able to produce anything.
I was so scared that I was nearing my “mid-life” stage and all my failures where right in front of me, slapping me harder than ever. I was asking myself “how did I come to this age and have nothing? I own nothing.” I wasn’t able to save up for my family. We are still renting a house, which is too small for a family with 6 members. I don’t have a car. I don’t think I will ever own a car not until I’m in my mid 30s. I hate my job. Really hate it. What was my dream job anyway and why was I not walking into that path?
I’m lost. I’m scared. I’m feeling useless and a failure. It all came crashing down on me. Having lived for 25 years and yet, I was a nobody in the company that I’m working. I have nothing to offer the world.
When I was in college, I didn’t care for what my future would be. Well, I’m still like that. I was always that go-with-the-flow type of girl. And I’m scared that I will always be. My future is still too vague for me. It’s still a blur and I’m just waiting for it to clear on its own.
I wanted to be an independent, strong woman that I always liked reading about. I know that those were just fictional characters from a book but I am aware that there are those who exists in real life. Those women who are strong, brave, bold, independent and knows what they want and thrive hard just to get what they want in life. Those women who have goals. I envy them.
Why can’t be like that girl who is so creative and loves crafting so she made a business out of it? Or that lady boss who worked up her ass just to get her position? What were their traits? Why am I an introvert and just clam shut whenever there are people around? Why do I get intimidated easily? Why can’t I be like them? I was always asking why? I was always envious.
The day I turned 25, I just woke up with a plan. That was the first time that I realized that maybe all this questions that I have was because I wasn’t contented with myself. That I should learn to accept all my flaws and try to stop comparing myself,and that I should learn to love myself.
Fortunately, I was blessed to have a boyfriend who is really loving and caring and is not scared to tell me honestly that I am terrible at times and would often tell me that If I would like to change myself, that I should do it for myself and not for him and definitely not for someone else.
What I did was:
- Surround myself with people who loves me. I opened up to them because I am confident that they would still love me the same and would understand my decisions and not judge me.
- Be honest. I became honest with myself and accepted that maybe I was veered into something that wasn’t meant for me. I made a mistake and that mistake is what pushed me to take action.
- Acceptance. I’m trying to accept and love myself because I know that I am worth loving (as what my boyfriends says) and find ways to be contented.
I went home and told my mama and lola that I want to quit my job, maybe later this year or early next year to pursue something else. I told them that I wasn’t happy with my current job and I want to have time to do other ways to earn income on the side. I also asked my friend if she could help me find a job with her current employer and assured me she would help. I felt relieved that I already made a back-up plan and was less scared. Before, I was scared that because of my age, it will be difficult for me to look for a job because I believe d that what job experience I may have, it wouldn’t be enough. I was cursing myself for not having planned my future when I was still in school. But now, I must move on.
Now that I have a plan, I must stick to it and wait for everything to fall into place. If ever a problem would arise, I would deal with it when I get there. But for now, baby steps.
Did you also had that mid-life crisis experience? What did you do to overcome that phase? I would love to know about them and maybe I can also try it for myself. Let’s be the better version of ourselves together!
Kisses and lots of hugs,